See you later...

There is something poignant about dropping your small child off somewhere.  You look back at this little person in a big place and wonder or maybe worry about what will happen when you can no longer be nearby to help him navigate the world around him.  As they get older, I think, I should feel more secure that they can fend for themselves, but really, I worry more because the world is not always a kind place and I know that they are learning that too.

I was one of those unlucky mothers who experienced full blown post partum depression, very soon after we brought Harry home from the hospital.  It was awful, it was scary and worst of all, I thought I would never love my own child.  That didn't happen, the fierceness of a mother's love is quite known to me now.  I actually kind of consider it a gift that I remember quite clearly, the moment I fell in love with my first born son.  It wasn't when he was placed in my arms or in the first few days of confused and tired parenthood, rather it was in a park on a warm day as we enjoyed each other's company and Harry was perhaps a couple of months old.

Now at 7 there have been many goodbyes and many times when I have left him in the care of others, luckily always somebody I knew and trusted.  There have also been many reunions.  I still find the good byes difficult. Kevin takes him to school in the morning, be it to the bus stop or to school itself.  Of course I can do it, but somehow it is always difficult to watch him walk away and join or perhaps not join the group.  Nobody can ever fully explain parenthood.  It is a visceral thing, like falling in love.  The depths of your feelings can overwhelm you, but unlike falling in love, it lasts forever.  Once a child is part of you, you cannot simply let go of the child and forget that she or he exists.

See you later alligator...