Phew

Three weeks ago I had my annual mammogram.  This year I went with a friend and Kevin stayed home with the boys and with my friend's daughter.  We joked about how this was like a date as we waited in line and got our pictures taken for our hospital ID's.  When I finally got in for the exam, the technician explained that they have new machines and that this would take the "normal" picture and a series of cross sections from another angle.  She also said that as long as they didn't find anything that I would get a letter in a couple of weeks, if they did she said they'd be in touch in a couple of days.

We we went away early the next week and I hadn't heard anything by later in the week, so I was feeling assured that things were okay, but then I got a letter.  They needed me back in for further evaluation.  I immediately called my doctor's office and my doctor was on vacation.  They said they didn't have the report, so I called the hospital and made the appointment for the needed ultrasound the next morning, not knowing what was up.  I called the doctor's office back and pretty much demanded (in a rather emotional manner), that they get that report and have the doctor-on-call call me that evening.  To their credit they did call me back within about 15 minutes and said they'd found a nodule that needed to be further checked out.

So the next morning with heavy heart, I headed back and had the ultrasound.  I was worried, my Mom had breast cancer and so did my grandmother.  One was post-menopausal and one was pre-menopausal.  I couldn't feel a lump, but I have to admit, I find it very hard to find such things and wonder if I would miss it entirely before it was rather big.  When they brought me back for the ultrasound the lady said, how are you? I didn't quite have my brave face on and she was so nice and assured me that whatever they found, they would tell me before I left the hospital.

Well, it turned out to be 2 nodules and although they assured me they were most likely cysts and harmless, but that I would need to come back to have another procedure.  We made an appointment for a week later.  I was scheduled for an aspiration of the 2 cysts with a possible need for a core biopsy.  That gave me a week to stew.  So this morning after a week of trying not to worry and to enjoy life and Harry's ninth birthday (which I think I achieved overall), I had the appointment.  I chatted with the technician about books and children and watched as she found the two little nodules on the ultrasound again.  Then she marked my breast and I laid back down with my book to wait for the doctor.  The doctor was the same one I met last week and that was comforting.

I was prepped and I watched nervously on the screen as a needle was placed in my breast and "phew" the little nodule disappeared.  The second nodule was harder to see, but it too disappeared.  The doctor said that was it and I don't need to go back for a year (for my next mammogram).  I said "thank goodness" and went out to tell Kevin who was in the waiting room.  I think altogether it took about an hour.  I know I am lucky and I am still feeling shell shocked all these hours later.  It has been quite a few weeks.

I have been working so hard to be hopeful and faithful.  I remember my fear when I went through preparing for heart surgery in my teens, but it was such a different thing.  The idea of cancer is much more frightening, even though I knew/know that finding it so early is a good thing and it is an entirely defeat-able disease.  It is terrifying knowing that it is something quite a few people in my life could not defeat.  As I went through the motions of preparing for Harry's birthday though, I realized that no matter what happened today, I could not celebrate Harry's 9th birthday again.  So I dialed in to being there, to enjoying myself and to making sure that Harry enjoyed himself too.  I think I did okay.  I also realized along the way, that even though I don't feel especially faithful these days, I do have my faith and the combined faith of my friends and family around me.  I only told a few people, not wanting to worry folks for something which most of me knew would be okay.

The truth is that by this morning, I was figuring it would be okay, if it went away with the insertion of the needle or if there was going to be more to the story.  It isn't that I wasn't terrified and still am when I contemplate what sort of battle faces any woman who finds herself with a malignancy in her breast.  It was that I knew and know that I can only take each day as it comes and most of us don't know when our end is coming or how.  I felt hopeful that God would be with me, that my family would support me and that my friends would come along for the journey.

So tonight, it is a blip on the radar screen, two weeks of tension and fear that in the scheme of things aren't much.  But I come away looking at the world a little differently.  It is a reminder of the fragility of life and the need to enjoy as much of it as I can.  I am going to do my best to remember this going forward.  I know that won't be easy as the fear fades and I slip back into bad habits of taking life for granted.  But it isn't a given, life is a blessing and I hope that I can work to show that to those around me in my actions and words.  The past week I was fighting an internal battle, that I didn't want to make public.  Perhaps I should have, but it made me more aware and more accepting of the grouchy or the distracted people who sometimes carelessly  ignore or hurt us.  We are all in this together and sometimes the wounds and fears aren't visible, but we owe it to each other to step lightly, love greatly and forgive often.  I hope that this 'blip' will help me remember that.