We have a new bishop in the Episcopal Diocese of Rhode Island! It is a hopeful time and I was privilege to observe some of the happenings first hand. The ceremony was inspiring, the music was wonderful and the hall was full of faithful people affirming their choice of a new leader. My husband had a couple of roles in the ordination/consecration and I was happy to be there to support him and I enjoyed the extra time I got to spend with some parishioners on a Saturday afternoon.
That is the beginning of the story, but like all things in life, it isn't that simple and as joyful as the event was, I didn't come to it with a fully open heart, although I prayed to get to that point as the service began. I don't know how to begin to describe the thoughts that are traveling around my heart and mind, but I feel like I need to set something down.
I grew up part of a church. Some of my earliest and happiest memories are being part of the community in my church. I always looked forward to the events of the church and as a Roman Catholic I went through all the necessary steps. I was baptized had my first communion and first penance and then I was confirmed. I went to a Jesuit college and even did volunteer work right out of college for a brief 4 months. When I settled into my working life, I already knew that I wanted to do something more. I thought it would be in the church, but I also saw right away that as a woman it couldn't be in the Roman Catholic Church. So I became an Episcopalian. I searched for my passion in and out of the church. I went to seminary and I met my husband. I did not go to seminary with the idea I would be ordained, but I felt called to youth work and wanted to learn as much as I could to be a good youth leader.
So maybe you caught that I met my husband, he was on the path of ordination and he is a priest today. He is a good priest and I think a good pastor to our parish. Right now, my primary role in our parish is as the Sunday School director. I am an involved parishioner as I was in every other parish I have ever been involved in, but things are different now, because I am a clergy spouse. My parish does a lovely job with the fact that I am involved and I am a clergy spouse. I, myself, feel that I am set apart, but I must be honest that for the most part, people do not treat me that way. I am pretty good at setting boundaries though and I think that makes it easier for them and for me.
My primary role in life right now is as a mother and a home maker. It is the hardest job I've ever done and society seems to appreciate it the least. We talk a good game about how it is such an important role and we should value women like me who do this, but let me tell you from the trenches it can be a thankless job. Add in that I am a clergy spouse, another rather invisible role and some days I wonder about why exactly I have chosen where I am today.
So back to this lovely ordination weekend. We began with a meeting and a luncheon with the Presiding Bishop and her spouse. Of course they separated us right at the beginning. The clergy I believe had an inspiring talk by the presiding bishop in a lovely, warm, sunlit room. The clergy spouses were sent down to the basement to a room that felt like a cold cave. I believe it was meant to be a chance to connect with each other and get to know each other, but for me it was wholly unsuccessful. I felt like a fish out of water and was wishing that I was at home with my Dad (who'd come up to watch my boy) and my boy. I wanted to get to know the other clergy spouses, but I also wanted to do that as a dedicated Christian who also is living out a role in the church, not just as a spouse of a clergy person, but as a person in my own right. When Kevin and I married, we knew he intended to be a priest and we have had some amazing experiences in the wider church since then. I am not the power behind the throne, but I am an equal partner in his life and a supporter of his ministry.
So that didn't end well. By the time we got upstairs for lunch the clergy were mostly sitting and eating. My husband was at a full table and partway through his meal. They had begun the meal without us. That was it for me, I was well and truly put off. I went over to Kevin and said I was going to leave and grab lunch on the way home. I left him to make my excuses. Truth be told there was nobody to make my excuses too, I am sure that nobody noticed that I left early or thought to question why that was. Thankfully I had my own car because he had a rehearsal after the luncheon.
When I got home, I had a lovely chat with Dad and after he left enjoyed some one on one time with my little guy and life moved on as usual. Kevin had rehearsals separated by hours so he came home in between and while he was home we had a knock on the door. It was a young woman we have known since we came here and her sister was our first sitter here in Jamestown. She was coming to tell my husband that one of her sisters (not our first sitter) had tragically died the day before.
And so the game changes. Kevin still had another rehearsal to attend, but did so with a heavy heart. I am just the spouse, so although I will reach out to the family, I need to stand back right now and watch my husband do what he does best, be a pastor. I too have had a heavy heart since then and am so sad for the family, even at the same time that I do truly believe that she is with God in a place where the many pains and difficulties of her life are gone.
I was ready to skip the ordination/consecration, but now Kevin had to go to be with the family at the funeral home and then go directly to the event. I could only imagine how difficult that would be. I was curious about the service since it is probably the only one I haven't experienced in the church and even more I wanted to be a silent presence there to support my husband. I had the sitter lined up and I went. I watched my husband do a great job and then finally found him after the service and saw that it was at some cost. He was exhausted and hadn't had the time needed to process his experience at the funeral home before he needed to rapidly change gears to be at the service. Neither of us were up for the reception. We headed home, again in 2 different cars. I picked up McDonald's on the way and we came home to 2 tired, cranky, little boys who weren't overly pleased that we had been gone all day on our "free" day which usually means time together as a family.
This is much longer than I meant it to be, what am I trying to say? I guess that being a clergy spouse is a different role. I don't spend much time in the spotlight and that's okay. I don't carry all the burdens of the church on my shoulders. My husband doesn't tell me everything that is going on in the parish or especially in parishioners lives. But I am part of the parish and part of the diocese and I know what is going on because I pay attention. I am affected by what happens and how things are done.
So again I say, we have a new bishop, thanks be to God. He seems to be a good man and have special talents to share with the diocese. I am looking forward to watching how things unfold. I am also hoping in a deep part of my heart, that I am asked at some point, who I am in the diocese. I don't want to think that I am unique as a clergy spouse, I can't tell you why, but my experience this weekend, tells me differently. I don't think many people went to the bishops ordination this weekend with my particular cloud of conflicting emotions. I am sure other people had their own cloud, but mine was formed precisely because I inhabit this unique place in the church. I'd like to say that I am a clergy spouse and proud of it, but I think instead I will say, I am a clergy spouse and still struggling with what it means, but I am hopefully and happy to be in this place of wonderment.
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