Hello my little audience - for I suspect you are quite small and I haven't written in quite a while. I think I just needed a break. I started this to try to document for my children what life and their Mom is/was like while they were growing up. Somewhere in the winter I felt like it had just become a place to post pictures. I just didn't seem to be able to get together my thoughts to write nice descriptions or analyses of life in the here and now. I must admit that I am not sure if I am there again yet, but I think I will try.
I am in a place of transition right now. I would say my whole family is. I think these are the places where we really begin to think about who we are, who we want to be and whether or not these two things intersect. Hopefully they do and it is just a matter of growth.
My husband began his first sabbatical ever last week. He has been a priest in our current church for 7 years now and a priest in general for 10 years so it is time. He now has 3 months to contemplate, have weekends off and learn some new things. As a couple we will be together more, in a way we haven't been before. We went to school together during our early marriage and then we actually worked at the same place for a year. There was much togetherness. But for the past 10 years, the household and children have been largely my domain. It will be interesting to juggle and share these things for both of us.
My older son was diagnosed over the winter/spring as having Asperger's Syndrome. This was not a huge shock but even as I write this my eyes fill with tears because I worry about how the world will now view and embrace him now that he has this label which is helpful and yet will cause judgments about who and how he is by people who don't actually know him or give it a chance to get to know him. I will tell you that he is an amazing kid and brilliant and one of the sweetest people I have known, but I also know I am biased, he's my first baby. Next year he will begin middle school and he is working very hard on the social aspect of school life and it is a struggle for him (as it was for me, really).
My younger son is now 5 and in his last month or so of preschool. He is a spitfire and a lot of fun most days. Like his older brother he is a talker and I spend my days with him narrating them from his own point of view. Each week he surprises and delights me and exasperates me too. This week at the grocery store, I mumbled, "Where did your brother go?" and he promptly slipped away to the middle of the aisle, cupped his hands and at the top of his voice yelled his brother's name! Everybody standing on line at the register smiled and I gestured to him to stop and looked to see my older son - just a few feet away - totally ignoring his brother. He will be going to kindergarten in the fall and he is becoming more self sufficient and independent all the time. It is a fascinating thing to watch a child unconsciously preparing for life in the wider world. Pretty soon he will be away from home for seven hours a day and will have a life independent of mine. I know he is ready, but I will miss my constant companion.
Then of course there is me. I have had a rough month or so. I had a kidney stone and some infections and it finally passed and I feel much better, but now I have little signs that I may have another and I am praying that it is just paranoia. I am also contemplating the big change in my life when my younger child goes to school in the fall. I am ready to work again, at least part time, but I don't know what I will do. The truth is, I really just would like to get out of the house, be around grown ups some, make a little money to add to our small budget, and maybe challenge myself a bit. The other truth is that I probably cannot get all these things in one convenient package. I want to be around for my children when they come home from school though and I really think this is something my children (especially my older child) need. So I am contemplating that, even as I grieve a little for the change that is happening and coming.
But as I said before, ideally this is a time of growth for me and so a time of hope. I am watching everybody around me growing and changing and asking myself, what am I doing? How am I able to remain the Mom, the touchstone in the household, who keeps things running smoothly, but also give myself a chance to stretch my wings a bit. I have a master's degree in theology, but my practice of ministry has been one of seeing God in the everyday life of family and community. I have lost a great deal of my daily prayer life, but I have found that if I am aware, each day is indeed a prayer in and of itself. God hasn't been in the wings the past 10 years, but God has touched and changed me in ways that defy explanation some days. I look forward to someday having an hour or so to pray again, but in the meantime, I am still happy to have a few moments here and there throughout the day to contemplate but I have learned that this time of little children is fleeting and maybe this is the time God wants me to think and serve them and find God in the moments of loving and learning with them.
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