Giving myself a break

I have had this post developing in my mind for the past couple of days.  I think I know what and how I want to say it, but I am not sure.  So here goes.  Life changes all of us, in ways we often don't notice until years later.  Motherhood is probably the thing that has had the biggest impact on me in the past ten years.  That is simply the stage of life I am in, I am in the midst of it all.  Sometimes it is hard to pull myself out of those many cares and worries to just enjoy life for what it is.

I have recently noticed though, that it has changed me again.  I don't know if this is one of those times where it is visible on the outside, but I am sure noticing it on the inside.  We have been working with our oldest and the schools and helpers outside of school, to try to make life easier for him.  We have tried to understand him, sometimes change him and tried to help him fit into the mold that is expected so that he will be able to succeed.  

He, however, seems to be oblivious sometimes that there is a "norm" and that it is something to strive for.  He has his own way of being and doing which most days I adore.  I must admit though that there have been times that I have wanted to change him to make it easier for me and my family to fit in with the world around us.  I have wondered if I am a bad parent, because it is always very clear that he doesn't fit in and he probably never will totally.  I can sometimes see so clearly how hard it is for him and it breaks my heart.  I want him to have a best buddy like I did growing up.  I want him to be loved not just by grown ups who are better at seeing the long picture, but by his peers.  I look around at "normal" kids and wonder what it must be like to be in a household where things are easy simply because there isn't so much to figure out just to make it through an average day.

Until last spring Harry was just diagnosed as ADHD with a possibility that he had Asperger's too.  I think he is brilliant, but his grades in school sure didn't show that.  We decided to give him medicine for the ADHD and it helps tremendously, but in social things he is still behind his peers.  Then we went back for the next round of testing and the diagnosis came back Asperger's.  I have to admit that I fought this label a bit, I can't tell you why, just maybe because I don't want him to be labeled.  I don't see these things when I am with him, he is just my little boy.  He is full of energy, clever, funny and sometimes very difficult to deal with or figure out.

So where is the change?  Well, amazingly enough the label that I was so resistant to hearing is helping me be a better parent.  I don't know if I needed that to tell me that it wasn't my fault, this is just who he is or if the school's needed that to take him and his challenges a bit more seriously or simply if he is growing up and we are getting to know him better and he is more mature and aware of his needs, but I have to say now a few months later, it is actually helpful.

So here we are and I am noticing that I am not as stressed about things to do with Harry and his school and the fact that things are never going to be easy.  I think it just helped me step back and really embrace what I already knew.  He is not a typical 10 year old, but that goodness for that fact.  I have also begun to really see how he and I are alike and how I am perhaps not a typical person either.  Out of sheer will and perhaps luck, I am the kind of Mom he needs.  I am very organized and routinized and those facts alone have helped him be where he is, which for a kid with all the labels he has is pretty amazing.  He is in a "regular" class at school, he does various activities after school and he is a relatively happy boy.  That is such a major win, I cannot even express it appropriately here.  

Also our family is just fine.  We love each other, we get along and most of the time we enjoy each other's company.  Yes, there are some major challenges, but they are just part of our life and most of the time we just plow through and address issues as they come along.  

But here I am eight months after hearing a label and I am finally going a little easier on myself.  I can see some things and not blame myself or worry that I am the cause.  I am finding out again, that I really love this kid for all of who he is quirks and all.  In that letting go of blame or responsibility, I am finding out that I can be a better parent to him.  I can more calmly address the issues that come up and it is amazing.  Nine months ago something would happen in the day and I would go to bed worrying and wondering what I could have done differently.  Now I am can look at things differently and know that somehow this is who we are and somehow we will get through and even conquer, it just may take some time.

Being a parent is difficult, but being a parent to a child with special needs, is amazing.  It stretches and changes you in ways you didn't even know you needed to go.  Instead of worrying or resenting this I am learning to embrace it and to see the many gifts that come along with this unique journey.