On Tuesday my Uncle John died. It wasn't a shock, we've known he was sick for a little while now. In fact my Dad and husband were already on the road down to my Uncle's home. When they left, it was because Dad hoped to see John before he died, but they continued on to be there for the funeral and to be with the family that is left behind.
If you know me, you may now be wondering why my husband is the one who is now in North Carolina with my family, doing what families do in times of death. I am a stay at home mother and my husband is a clergy person. He is the one who works, but ostensibly I just keep things going at home. However, we have 2 children and one of those children has some special needs. That wonderful little boy has had a very difficult autumn and there have been quite a few days when we were barely hanging on by our fingertips.
So things have started to go a bit better, but not entirely and very hard won. I am the supporter in the house. I keep the ever important calendar and the routine and I make sure that things are just right and with Aspergers children that can be the difference between smooth sailing and unanticipated crashes. My husband is at work and has other focuses, so the household routine just isn't as ingrained in his being at the moment as it is in mine. I can look at both boys as they come off the bus or while we are around the household and just sense or see perhaps what is needed. I am not trying to toot my own horn, it is simply that this is my primary job and his is elsewhere at the moment. I take it quite seriously.
So with some sadness and with a bit of trepidation Kevin and I decided that he would be Dad's support and companion on the way to his brother's death and I would stay home and continue the path I have been on for years now. My prayers and thoughts have flown along with them, as they flew down the highway, but my presence was needed here.
No sooner had they left than a few hours later I got the text that John had died. I took a few minutes to gather myself and then called and talked to the boys as they journeyed down the highway. They seemed fine to continue on. God works in mysterious ways and I was actually at the church talking to my friend when I got the text. Usually after I go to the gym, I go home or on errands, but for some reason I decided to check something out at church that day. It meant that I was in a good place and had a friend with me in those first few moments of shock that somebody I love had died.
So here I am a couple days later. Life has not slowed down or changed because he is gone, because this time I chose a supportive role in this time of mourning. Instead I realized this morning that I need to take a little time to remember and mourn. I won't have the joy of sharing stories with my cousins and family of the wonderful uncle who I remember very well from my childhood, but I can allow myself some space.
So here is my space and here are some memories seen through the eyes of a family member far away from the actual good byes of gathering together in the wake of the death of a loved one.
John was my Dad's younger brother and had two children. Right off I struggle with tense, am I supposed to use past or present? John is gone but his children are still among us. I digress, but I suppose that is normal in times of sadness, we get easily distracted. So let me start again.
When I was a child we seemed to have many vacations with my uncles and their families. None of the three McLaughlin boys settled in the same state, so we would meet places in between and sometimes one of the families would come to see another. There are two trips which stand out most strongly in my mind. We once had a wonderful family reunion on Sanibel Island in Florida. All three brothers and my wonderful great Uncle Erwin. We the cousins were young enough to all enjoy each other's company and I guess I at least was old enough to remember. When the McLaughlin brothers get together there is always much joking and laughing, the good humored kind. At the dinner table napkins would fly and the mothers would look at the children in correction, but the problem often was that Uncle John or Jim had let the first napkin ball fly. The three boys Jim and John, twins and so the same and my Dad, two years older looked very much alike and also dressed quite similarly. I remember I would grab a leg and look up and realize that I had not gotten the right one. I remember that time on Sanibel as a magical one when the family was together and really enjoyed itself. I know now with the eyes of an adult, there may have been much more going, but even with adult eyes, I realize what a gift we were given as children to have these wonderful brothers who showed us brotherly love and I am forever grateful for it.
The other trip I particularly remember is when John and Shirley moved their family to England for a job opportunity. I am not sure how long they were there, but my parents decided this was the a great chance to bring my sister and I along on a trip abroad. It was a wonderful trip and I think I was around 11 or 12. I was just starting to see the world differently and I remember getting to know my uncle's more serious side. He always talked with me as if I were a grown up by then and although he still joked and poked at me with words, I could feel that I was loved and appreciated. That trip too was a special time of watching two families come together and meld in the way only families can do despite the fact that normally we lived so far away from each other.
As an adult I have not had the chance to see John as much, but I am happy that he has actually met both of my boys. He and Shirley visited us once in Hickory when Harry was a baby and another time more recently they met Robert while he was still a toddler. I wish we could have had more time together, but I am glad that I have always known that he and his wife Shirley are a presence in my life and that they care for and pray for us when they hear of our troubles or triumphs. Just as I have done for them.
So here I am remembering and mourning. I will not take part in John's wake or funeral. It won't be obvious that anything substantial has happened in my life this week to people who see me going about my everyday tasks as child minder, Sunday School director and general girl about the house. But at the same time I am mourning. I am stopping here and there and thinking about the man who has so affected the lives of many, including myself. I am so thankful that my Dad, sister and husband can be there and tell stories and remember with the rest of my family. I must admit that I am a bit jealous of that time they will have.
Finally I am hoping that John's family and that I myself can find the closure that we all need when saying good bye to a beloved part of our life. I know it will come in its own time and place. In the meantime, I will try to support myself and be gentle, even as I keep up my role supporting the boys in their daily routine and try to remember that supporting others and giving of ourselves is all that is really asked of all of us in life and we each play a role in this time of saying goodbye. Goodbye to my dear uncle who made me laugh and made me feel special. I will miss you in this life, but I hope to see you again someday in a place where laughter and love are felt completely.
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