Post Christmas and Naked mornings

It is now 2 days after Christmas and we are still enjoying our toys and some down time.  I did not realize how tired I was until this morning after a full night of uninterrupted sleep.  It started with the full moon of December 17th and has lasted on and off for the last ten days.  Fortunately, I am something of a seasoned Mom and this is nothing compared to baby tiredness and so I have done fine, but that full night's sleep last night really brought it home that I needed one :-)

Christmas of course started early, but no earlier really than usual, we were just doing more at that early hour instead of slowly getting up, reading the paper and eating breakfast.  In the boys' case having some screen time as their brains wake the rest of the way up.  Yesterday, it was grey and rainy and so we ventured out to the library once and the grocery store, but mostly stayed in and played with new toys.

This morning so far, after a brief time of clothedness Robert has been wandering around naked, I think it has been a couple of hours now.  I expect he will eventually get cold and get dressed.  The fact that we keep the upstairs at about 62 during the day and the downstairs around 67 should help that along :-)

I remember enjoying some naked time as a child - I think there is some inherent freedom in it and children are not self conscious about their bodies.  They are who they are, they don't worry about looking too skinny or too fat or funny attributes.  It is a wonderful thing, as we grow older most of us do begin to worry and so we cover up more.  At any rate, it seems to also be that part of vacation when we are enjoying that the regular rules and routines are relaxed and we can just kind of go along and do our own thing.

Here are a couple of pictures from this past week.  

Robert had his holiday concert at school on 20th.  He did a wonderful job and is still singing the songs he sand.  Sometimes with a comment that they have a tendency to stick in his mind.  He is my boy who walks around the house humming, whistling and singing.  He was itty bitty when he began whistling - 18 months or so.  It is a fun sight and sound to watch him walking along whistling a happy tune :-)

Harry had an important role in the pageant on Christmas Eve, here he is at the podium.  He did a good job and his comment when I brought out the dress shirt and blazer, "I was so happy that I didn't have to wear a costume today, but you're telling me I have to dress up so I might as well be wearing a costume."  Funny boy!

Giving myself a break

I have had this post developing in my mind for the past couple of days.  I think I know what and how I want to say it, but I am not sure.  So here goes.  Life changes all of us, in ways we often don't notice until years later.  Motherhood is probably the thing that has had the biggest impact on me in the past ten years.  That is simply the stage of life I am in, I am in the midst of it all.  Sometimes it is hard to pull myself out of those many cares and worries to just enjoy life for what it is.

I have recently noticed though, that it has changed me again.  I don't know if this is one of those times where it is visible on the outside, but I am sure noticing it on the inside.  We have been working with our oldest and the schools and helpers outside of school, to try to make life easier for him.  We have tried to understand him, sometimes change him and tried to help him fit into the mold that is expected so that he will be able to succeed.  

He, however, seems to be oblivious sometimes that there is a "norm" and that it is something to strive for.  He has his own way of being and doing which most days I adore.  I must admit though that there have been times that I have wanted to change him to make it easier for me and my family to fit in with the world around us.  I have wondered if I am a bad parent, because it is always very clear that he doesn't fit in and he probably never will totally.  I can sometimes see so clearly how hard it is for him and it breaks my heart.  I want him to have a best buddy like I did growing up.  I want him to be loved not just by grown ups who are better at seeing the long picture, but by his peers.  I look around at "normal" kids and wonder what it must be like to be in a household where things are easy simply because there isn't so much to figure out just to make it through an average day.

Until last spring Harry was just diagnosed as ADHD with a possibility that he had Asperger's too.  I think he is brilliant, but his grades in school sure didn't show that.  We decided to give him medicine for the ADHD and it helps tremendously, but in social things he is still behind his peers.  Then we went back for the next round of testing and the diagnosis came back Asperger's.  I have to admit that I fought this label a bit, I can't tell you why, just maybe because I don't want him to be labeled.  I don't see these things when I am with him, he is just my little boy.  He is full of energy, clever, funny and sometimes very difficult to deal with or figure out.

So where is the change?  Well, amazingly enough the label that I was so resistant to hearing is helping me be a better parent.  I don't know if I needed that to tell me that it wasn't my fault, this is just who he is or if the school's needed that to take him and his challenges a bit more seriously or simply if he is growing up and we are getting to know him better and he is more mature and aware of his needs, but I have to say now a few months later, it is actually helpful.

So here we are and I am noticing that I am not as stressed about things to do with Harry and his school and the fact that things are never going to be easy.  I think it just helped me step back and really embrace what I already knew.  He is not a typical 10 year old, but that goodness for that fact.  I have also begun to really see how he and I are alike and how I am perhaps not a typical person either.  Out of sheer will and perhaps luck, I am the kind of Mom he needs.  I am very organized and routinized and those facts alone have helped him be where he is, which for a kid with all the labels he has is pretty amazing.  He is in a "regular" class at school, he does various activities after school and he is a relatively happy boy.  That is such a major win, I cannot even express it appropriately here.  

Also our family is just fine.  We love each other, we get along and most of the time we enjoy each other's company.  Yes, there are some major challenges, but they are just part of our life and most of the time we just plow through and address issues as they come along.  

But here I am eight months after hearing a label and I am finally going a little easier on myself.  I can see some things and not blame myself or worry that I am the cause.  I am finding out again, that I really love this kid for all of who he is quirks and all.  In that letting go of blame or responsibility, I am finding out that I can be a better parent to him.  I can more calmly address the issues that come up and it is amazing.  Nine months ago something would happen in the day and I would go to bed worrying and wondering what I could have done differently.  Now I am can look at things differently and know that somehow this is who we are and somehow we will get through and even conquer, it just may take some time.

Being a parent is difficult, but being a parent to a child with special needs, is amazing.  It stretches and changes you in ways you didn't even know you needed to go.  Instead of worrying or resenting this I am learning to embrace it and to see the many gifts that come along with this unique journey.

Holiday pictures

I have been a bit remiss in writing here over the past week or so, but I thought I would at least put up a few pictures from our trip to NC for Thanksgiving and from the boys' visit with Santa.  

If you got our Christmas card you will know this is just how we wait in airports, train stations, bus stations or even at school (as his recently orange turned dirt colored school backpack attests)

Cousins picture -this was the one I got with the most smiles :-)

Cousins -here we asked them to act crazy - they excel in this endeavor

Visiting Santa in Jamestown - H is too big for Santa's lap now 

Robert was a little antsy for Santa's lap and finally stood so he could look the big guy in the eyes and tell him that he didn't really know what he wants for Christmas :-)

God Moment

Advent is upon us and we are five days into this time of waiting and preparation.  I very much enjoy this time of getting ready for Christmas.  I try to notice God in my every day life and to take time to savor the excitement of my children and the beauty around me.  However, like most people, I sometimes get caught up in the "have to dos" and probably miss out on the things I really should be noticing.  

This morning was not one of those times.  My original plans for the morning were changed and so I decided it was time to go out and do a little Christmas shopping.  As the "non-worker" in the family much of the shopping and preparations fall to me (which is just fine - I enjoy it).  So this was really an extra unplanned morning and I decided to do a leisurely shop.  

As I was walking out of a store, I looked over at the register next to me and recognized the woman checking out.  She and I were in a preschool parents group a couple of years ago and we greeted each other.  I already knew we had a lot in common, but as often happens, she lives in one town, I live in another town and so we haven't seen or talked to each other in over a year.  

We began to cautiously catch up.  We are both clergy spouses and that forms a unique bond and I think allows both of us to let down the barriers a bit in talking.  The first thing we discovered in chatting was that both of our husbands had taken 3 month sabbaticals over the summer.  In the exact same months; June, July and August.  Then I mentioned that over the past year Harry was diagnosed Aspergers.  To my surprise her oldest son shares that diagnosis.  She also has a younger son with a similar age gap.  Harry's older, but it was one of those conversations of connection and a sharing of strength and hope.  

I walked away from that brief conversation feeling like God is with me and in fact guiding me along the journey.  I felt strengthened and reminded that although sometimes I feel alone in this journey I am not the only person experiencing this.  It was a wonderful thing to talk to another mother in a similar place who is looking out for her son and wondering where life will lead her.  It was a lovely way to connect and remember that we are not alone.  There will always be others along the journey who will share a step or two with us.  We can share things we learned along the way and offer strength for the journey ahead.  I am still smiling over that conversation and I will revisit it as I go along.

Sometimes we have to desperately search for God in our days, but sometimes it can be like this morning and if we just open our eyes and ears and reach out to another person, God will come roaring in and surprise us with more love and understanding that we could have imagined.  I had a professor in college who called it a "realization", CS Lewis calls it a "glimpse of God" and I today am calling it a God Moment.  I hope you have such a thing today as well.

The littler guy

Our happy boy - nothing better than some time in the water :-)

This week I want to write a bit about child number two, in order that is.  Robert is five now and this year he began kindergarten.  He keeps me on my toes, but he does so in ways different from his older brother.  He has a twinkle in his eye and learned very early how to push the buttons of everybody in our family.  He doesn't always do it in a mean way, but sometimes, especially with Harry, you can tell that he is testing to see how far he can get without getting whaled upon.

This year he started kindergarten.  I think it was harder for me than it was for him.  Over the past 10 years I have always had somebody around with me.  First it was Harry and then it was Robert.  Getting things done was a little easier by the time Robert came along because I had already learned to juggle various persons needs and still somehow get some semblance of dinner on the table.  I have thought of them as my constant companions during their toddler/preschool years.  Most days I very much enjoyed having a little person sort of trailing me around and engaging with me or engaging with his own activities nearby.  Robert is a homebody, so he has always been perfectly happy with the days we spend at home doing chores, with breaks for Mom to sit down and do a puzzle or play a game.

My Mom used to say that people have lots of kids because they are all so different and they want to see what the next one is going to be like.  My boys are definitely different.  They have similarities, but I can see where Mom was going.  If not for limited resources I would consider more children.  In the meantime these boys keep me busy and most days happy.

For now, let me tell you about last night.  While Harry was doing homework and I was doing something on the computer in the same room to make sure Harry continued to do homework, Robert was upstairs playing in his room.  He is an active player and so I have learned to hear and yet not respond to the many crashes and bumps that go on above my head.  If I don't hear screaming or sudden quiet and I continue to hear little and large crashes I tend to ignore the mayhem.  Homework got done which was directly followed by dinner and so I didn't get upstairs until Robert and I were headed up to bedtime.  Kevin and Harry had gone off to a cub scouts meeting, so last nights drama was solely a Mommy-Robert deal.

We walk upstairs happily and I guide him to the bathroom and turn into his room to get some jammies.  The sight was not uncommon - books and cards all over the place (this month's collector card of choice - Skylanders).  Then I looked at the window.  The little guy had torn down and broken the curtain rod.  Not a huge deal - it was bound to happen since we put the little trampoline in his room (obviously now too close to the window).  However, when I called the transgressor in he was unrepentant.  I asked him to apologize and told him he should have told me when it happened not left it for bedtime.  Now I had a job of getting it fixed and the curtain back up (which we need to keep his room dark) before bedtime. 

So I sent him back to the bathroom with instructions to get ready for bed while I dealt with the situation.  He was still totally oblivious and unrepentant.  I was back and forth from his room to my room - up the stairs and down the stairs (discovering in the process that the rod was irrevocably destroyed).  And my sweet, energetic child was happily fooling around in the bathroom and still not even close to being dressed.  This I think irked me more than anything else!  Here I am sweating and fussing and trying to make his life normal while he makes mine more stressful.  

So I fussed at him, the same way I would fuss at Harry.  This was a mistake, Robert doesn't need such clear displeasure, he gets it faster.  He did figure it out and get dressed for bed and brushed his teeth.  He knew I was unhappy so like in Knuffle Bunny - when we got to the lovely part of the evening - books and prayers and songs - he was unhappy and Mommy was unhappy too.  Bedtime started with tears and ended with tears.  I told him that even though I wasn't very happy with his behavior, I loved him and nothing he does can change that. I reminded him that we all make mistakes and sometimes have to deal with the consequences (tonight's being the loss of the trampoline for a couple days).  And I realized as I sat there with my teary boy, that I really don't need to punish him very often.  He is my mischievous child, but he seldom gets into any real trouble that requires punishment.  Mostly it requires some talking and clarifying of what is acceptable behavior.  

This morning it is over, a lovely thing about childhood.  We have had a regular morning, which doesn't mean everybody out of the house without a hitch, but all on time and all happily.  I am thinking about how fair doesn't mean equal and this goes for how we treat and talk to our children as well.  They have different needs.  As I talked to Robert last night and calmed his wounded soul, I gently stroked his hair and made sure a hand was on his back.  He needed that and at the moment, so did I.  As a parent, part of my job is to figure out how to connect and meet the boys' needs.  It is going to be different in different situations and for each boy.  Another lifelong lesson I guess, but that is parenting.

We were so thrilled when he finally managed to keep the thumb in his mouth - these days he is a little Linus - a good self soother with thumb and blanket.

Labels and Sweaters and getting beyond them

In the past year, my oldest child was diagnosed Asperger's.  It wasn't a surprise and I don't like to call it a syndrome, because I don't think he needs to be cured.  Most days I just think he needs to be understood.  It has been a funny journey.  He is five years older than his brother, so he was an only child for a long time.  I have never thought of him as having problems, some challenges, but it is just who he is.  With your first child, you don't know there is a "normal" you just know this is your child and you work to make life happy and healthy.

When you look at your children, I think you naturally look for ways they are like you or different from you.  I have found that often it is the ways that they are like you that are most difficult to deal with, especially if they are parts of you that make you uncomfortable.  I feel as I write this that I need to say that I love this child more than I could ever have imagined.  When he was born I had pretty severe postpartum depression.  I sometimes say I don't remember much of the first six months of his life, but that isn't true.  I remember a great deal.

I didn't fall in love with him the moment he was put in my arms, although I do remember being in recovery and shaking like a leaf.  The nurse said I couldn't hold or feed him until I stopped shaking.  It was not long before I was not shaking, but I remember putting all my energy into calming my body so that little person I had been carrying inside me for 9 1/2 months could finally be in my arms.  It was wonderful that he was finally with us, but overwhelming.

I think of it as a privilege that I remember the moment that I "fell in love" with Harry.  We were in a park in our town for a picnic and he was probably less than 2 months old.  I just remember looking at him and thinking, "Huh, I really love this baby and I can't imagine life without him, how did that happen? Thank God, I finally can honestly say I understand this motherly love feeling."

Here he is at 2 months or so putting up with our antics patiently, with a look of forbearance which we still see sometimes

I think that is one of the ways Harry and I are alike, it isn't that he doesn't feel the same emotions the rest of us feel, it sometimes takes him a while to express or even realize that is what he is feeling.  The world is a very overwhelming place to a person with Asperger's.  I can honestly say, that I really don't understand what it is like to be in Harry's shoes, but I have glimpses.  Like falling in love with my baby, there are many things that take me a while to process.  I can't always say right away how I feel about something that has happened, but if you give me a while, I will be able to do so.  So parts of him fell right off my tree, I would guess.

Like Harry I am not touchy feely and sometimes I even shy away from touch.  I never really noticed it until Harry came along.  My husband probably did, others in my life too, but that is just who I am, I never thought much of it.  Experts call this a sensory problem, to me it is just who I am and who Harry is.  It isn't that we don't want to reach out, if you watch Harry especially, he does, but it is on his terms.  When you sit with him reading or doing something, you often find he is right up next to you, but he needs to be the one moving towards you.  I have always been perfectly comfortable with this about Harry, now I recognize that is because we are alike in this way.

Another thing I was recently talking to my Dad about is looking people in the eye.  This is a very typical challenge for kids with Asperger's and other forms of Autism.  I remember in my late teens or twenties reading something about interacting with other people and how important it is to look them in the eye so that you can establish a rapport with them.  It was a revelation to me, I realized that this was something I was not very good at, especially with strangers.  I started working on it and I think I am pretty good at it, but to this day there are times when I am in a conversation, that I find myself reminding myself to look at that person in the face and in the eyes.  My Dad seemed a bit surprised by this when I told him.  I guess that just goes to show you that even those people in our lives we think we know most, may have something they are hiding or struggling with.

This whole journey of raising my Harry has been a lesson for me.  It has taught me how to see the world with different eyes.  It has sometimes made me turn inward as a person or even as a family.  We need that sometimes to regroup and to get through.  But I can honestly say that although I still think that there are lots of crazy people out there, I don't judge them.  I realize that you just can't look at a person and recognize what is behind their behavior.  The imperative as a human is to love and to accept, because really how else can we all get by?

So what led me to write this today?  I don't know really, I have just been processing for the past seven or eight months this diagnosis of my son.  My brilliant, funny, quirky and very human son.  I can't tell you in enough ways how wonderful he is and how I am confident that he is the kind of kid and will be the kind of adult you will be thrilled to have as a friend or a colleague.  However, he isn't perfect.  He can be rigid and he is blunt.  His social skills are a growing edge.  He doesn't melt down often, but when he does, my goodness it is an amazing thing to behold.

Last night we watched Big Bang Theory - a very funny show and one of the main characters is a lovely example of one way a person can be Asperger's.  In the show one of the characters was forced to wear a scratchy sweater by Sheldon (the Asperger's character) until he could solve a complex social problem.  It ended up taking him a few days and the sweater made him crazy - he itched and he hurt and he was frustrated.  It was such a wonderful example of what it is like sometimes for a person with Asperger's.  It struck a chord for me.  We look at Harry and because he is brilliant and funny and lovable we forget that there are things he needs that don't make sense to us.  When we miss those needs, he is stuck in that sweater - hot, itchy, confused and going a little crazy.

My job as a Mom is to help him take off the sweater and hopefully to teach him how to knit one that won't itch, that won't drive him crazy.  I would love to make it for him, but like I have gone on a journey to discover myself and accept my own quirks, he too is on that journey.  He may have a few more challenges than other folks, but fortunately he has lots of folks that love him and a personality that is gentle and fabulous.

More recently in his favorite color with the hood up (which drives me crazy for no reason whatsoever), happy in his own skin which is exactly how I hope he will remain :-)

Creatures that go Bump in the night

This year both boys chose somewhat scary costumes!  Although our ghost here would have told you he was a friendly one :-)

Here they are ready to go wrangle some candy

This is Slender Man according to Wikipedia - a thin, unnaturally tall man with a blank and usually featureless face, and wearing a black suit. The Slender Man is commonly said to stalk, abduct, or traumatize people, particularly children.  My older child's theory is to try to be the scariest thing he can imagine and then the other scary costumes won't be as scary.

A creeper pumpkin - again scary but esoteric - known among the Minecraft set

a cat - and a happy one at that :-)

This is what a child looks like after 15 minutes or so in the foam pit at the fire station.  A Jamestown Halloween tradition.

Here is another look one can emerge with - mind you he had already been blown off.  On Halloween we save the foam for last and then rush them into hot showers upon arriving home.  Fortunately this year was a rather warm evening for late October.

The haul was pretty good.

The candy may last them a while :-)

Pumpkin Patches and Hayrides

We found a lovely smaller farm in Portsmouth which is where we have gone to get our pumpkins for the past couple of years.  This year Kevin's Mom was along as she was visiting.  Both boys got very large pumpkins.  Oddly, they are easier to carve out sometimes than the smaller ones.

At Robert's school each class makes a scarecrow and they are displayed at a local farm on one of the weekend evenings before Halloween.  They have snacks and hayrides and a few games for the kids.  We have gotten there early the past couple of years so we could actually see the pumpkins before it got dark.  This year Robert's class based it on a book about a square pumpkin.  I took a picture of him with the full scarecrow and then one of his pumpkin painting.

Columbus Day Weekend

We have been going to one of my favorite places in the world for Columbus Day Weekend for about 6 years now.  My Dad usually comes along and this year we were very happy because my sister Jess came along too.  Here are some pictures from that weekend.

two happy boys

Jess and Dad and some cool steam :-)

We found a master pumpkin carver along the Marginal Way - here he is working on a new creation

Our little crazy person, thought it was plenty warm for just his suit - when it came down to who could stand in the water longest - Mommy won though!

Harry did not strip down and objected that he was a bit cold.  

We're almost all looking at the camera :-)

Hmm...seems to be a pattern of who isn't looking at the camera :-)

this was the best we could do

Jess, Dad and I along the Marginal Way

Kevin, Dad and I

Kevin and I

hanging on the chairs on the lawn at the Beachmere

First Field Trip for Robert - the Fire Station

In late September I was the chaperon for Robert's class on a field trip to our local fire station.  Since we live on a small island it was just a short walk from the school to the fire station.  Although the kids were definitely tired on the way home.  I had emailed Robert's teacher about something else and said that I would be happy to help out if she needed somebody, but if (as was often the case with Harry's class) she had numerous parents helping, I was happy to stay home.  It turned out I was the only volunteer and so I went and am glad I did so.  It was fun to have some time with Robert at school and to see his new friends.  It is a neat age, kindergarten.  So here are a few pictures of the trip.  Robert is wearing a grey coat and baseball cap and a blue striped shirt underneath.

September activities

School has been in session for just about a month now.  We have had open houses and schedules are getting set into place.  I went and read to Robert's class and did a craft with them a couple of weeks ago now.  It was a fun activity.  We made octopus puppets out of gloves and read a book called The Tickly Octopus.  The craft was very simple.  I will put a picture of some of the results below.

It was fun to see Robert's classroom and to meet his classmates.  He seems to like kindergarten, but has been very happy for his "free" days on the weekends.  I think it is both wearing him out, but making it hard to fall asleep some nights as he tries to process his busy days at school at bedtime.

There was an open house at the fire station last weekend.  We went on a ride on an old firetruck and explored the buildings and fire trucks, along with an ambulance.  It was amazing to me to see how far ambulances have come since I worked on one in college over 20 years ago now.

Robert is still young enough that he enjoyed getting a sticker badge and a hat.  Harry accepted the sticker, but didn't put it on.  He was not interested in a hat.  Over the years we have gathered many of those hats, but I think this is Robert's first that was just for him and never belonged to his big brother first.

We have also been apple picking.  That was on a bright and sunny Saturday afternoon and we got a peck of apples of all kinds of varieties.  It is an orchard we have been to a couple of times now.  The trees are low and so it is easy for the boys to pick too.  I haven't yet made lots of apple things, but I will eventually.  In the meantime we have lots of lovely fresh apples to eat.

 

Finally church school is in session again.  We have had 2 weeks so far and things seem to be going well.  Here is Fr. Kevin blessing the children's backpacks for the new school year last week.