For a while I have been pondering my role as a clergy spouse. It is not something I usually try to spend much time on. However, on recently during coffee hour I met a new gentleman who introduced himself as the son of a long time parishioner. She is also somebody who I see around town and at the gym, probably more than I actually see at church as she tends to go to the early service and I am always at the later one.
As is common when I am introduced at church, it was as the rector's wife. I am seldom introduced merely as myself or the Sunday School Director or Eucharistic Minister or even sometime preacher. That's okay, I have mostly gotten used to the fact that despite the many roles I joyfully maintain as a Christian in our church, the role that seems to most single me out in many folks minds is that of wife to their priest. It is a role that I did not earn, that I did not choose (mostly - although I knew before I married that it would be one of my roles in life) and it is certainly not a role that in my mind is at all extraordinary.
But on Sunday as I talked with this lovely, sincere man, I realized that I must be doing a few things right. You see he first said, oh, you know my family and then apologized for the fact that a few months ago when his father died, my husband had to interrupt our short weekend vacation and drive round-trip 320 miles in one day to perform his funeral. I smiled at him and said that it was okay, we adjusted for it and that it is part of his ministry and I expect these things to happen sometimes. What felt good for me is that I really meant that. I remember at the time being very frustrated. It is a weekend I really look forward to each year, to one of my favorite places in the world, but after some prayer and grumbles at the time, I quickly got with the program and tried my best to support my husband in his ministry and my family in enjoying our time away even if it was interrupted. Maybe I am growing into the role.
There are always things going on in a church. At any given time there are many people facing a myriad of different troubles, there are illnesses, marital troubles, and just the general struggles of everyday life. The longer one is part of a parish, the more things are known to a person. This is equally true for me as for any other parishioner, but because I am the priest's wife, sometimes I know sooner depending on the situation. I must admit it is nice to have a general idea, because then I know the times when it is likely that Kevin will be called away at odd times. It helps me mentally prepare for brief periods of single parenthood and be ready to explain that although we would like Daddy with us for this event or time, there is somebody else who needs Daddy more and that is okay, because he'll be coming back to us.
Our boys are quite young yet, but at least for Kevin and I our family life is sometimes affected by the troubles of a church. It is similar probably to a doctor's family or a person in a job which has odd and unexpected hours because of emergencies that can't wait. Over sabbatical I did realize that it is also quite different, because there is an aspect of clergy life that involves every moment. We can always be praying and tending to people. As the leader of a flock, that can sit heavily with a clergy person. I am saved from that sometimes, but I am still living with it on a daily basis.
Anyway, this seems to me a muddled way of saying that I've been thinking on what it is to be a clergy spouse recently. I come away with no great epiphany, only perhaps that it is different for all of us and that I am muddling through acceptably at the moment. If you are a church goer and you know the family behind the clergy person, judge them lightly, it isn't always an easy path. Please go to him/her when you need to and don't worry about the family behind the pastor, at that moment. However, perhaps afterwards when you are feeling back to yourself and thinking gratefully on him/her and his support, spare a prayer for the family behind that clergy person who was also supporting you in their own unique way.
